Trigger/Content Warning: This post contains graphic descriptions of physical and sexual acts/abuse, as well as profanity and gender and racial language.
All my friends knew that I was planning to lose my virginity to my boyfriend after Homecoming of my sophomore year of high school. And I did. But not at all the way I planned. What was supposed to be romantic and sweet turned into the most fucked up night of my life.
Johnny and I started dating in the summer in between my freshman and sophomore year of high school. We were both in summer school. I didn't know any of the kids in my class well because they were all older. Even though I had just finished ninth grade, I was only in summer school to take a couple of classes early to get them out of the way so I could try to graduate high school early. Johnny was there repeating a class because of excessive absences. Even though he was really hot, I didn't pay him much attention because I'm not into athletes. I like smart guys and skater guys. But one day Johnny read something in class about the person who most inspired him - his little sister. She had cancer and almost died during the spring semester. I saw how he emotional he was and how he fought back tears. I realized that her illness was probably why he'd had excessive absences in the first place. He was no "dumb athlete." He seemed sensitive and different. After that day, we became friends. A few weeks later, he asked me out. We'd been together ever since.
It was October. We'd been a couple for over four months. Johnny was popular, nice, cute, blond, and a senior. He could have had any girl, but he chose me. We were together all the time. He called and texted me every day. We went to the movies and to the beach and bowling and to parties. We had dinner with each other's families. We did homework together.
I knew he wasn't fucking over me because I had all his passwords and he let me check his phone anytime I wanted. He walked me to my classes, holding my hand. He didn't care that I was black. He even told me he thought some of the stuff I hated about myself - like my brown skin, long crazy dark hair that was always curling up and frizzing, and my round big butt - were gorgeous.
Other guys I'd dated had a problem with me being a virgin and tried to pressure me to have sex. Not Johnny. He respected me. He was surprised when I told him, but he said that even though he really wanted to fuck, he would wait until I was ready. He was so sweet. He said he was cool with the virgin thing as long as he could still come, so I tried to make sure I pleased him. I had never sucked anybody's dick before, but I learned how to do it for him. I looked it up online so I could do a good job. He always moaned really loud and started going crazy every time I sucked his dick. He was surprised the first time I did it when I confessed that I had never done it before. He said I did it better than his ex-girlfriend Heather, and she was a whole two years older than me and has been going down on guys for a long time. That was pretty awesome to hear.
Johnny wasn't selfish. He liked to make me come too. I loved it when he sucked on my tits and then flicked his tongue across my pussy and up and down my clit. It made me feel like I was on fire inside.
I loved Johnny, so much. I had decided that if we were still together after Homecoming I was going to give myself to him. And I knew we would still be together because I loved him and he loved me. I loved him so much that I wanted to keep him safe. So even though it was really embarrassing, I bought some condoms from Wal-Mart for our romantic night together. I have HIV and I didn't want him to get it from me when we had sex. I cared about his health and wanted us to be together forever. I hadn't told him I had HIV, but I knew he wouldn't care. He already knew I was adopted and that most of my brothers and sisters and I were from different countries. He knew my mom and dad were old fashioned and stuff. That's why we were going to have sex at his house instead of mine - because my parents didn't let me have boys in my room, but his parents didn't care if he had girls go in his room. His parents were barely ever even at home.
Homecoming night after the game we were alone in his room like we planned. We were both naked and excited, but we had to be fast because I couldn't stay out too late. I couldn't believe I was about to make love to the love of my life. Johnny was so turned on by me; his dick was as hard as a rock. I bent down and kissed it, then I kissed him on the forehead. He smiled. I smiled back and got up to get my purse. I pulled out the condoms and handed them to Johnny.
"We don't need those," he said. "You're a virgin, so you're clean. You already know I'm clean because I had my school sports physical before the season starts. I'm going to pull out so you don't get pregnant. I don't like condoms."
"I really think we should use them," I said. "You can't feel anything," he said. "I'd rather jack off than use condoms," he joked. "Come on. I'll go easy on you. We don't need that stuff. Let's get started."
"Johnny, we need to use them. I have HIV."
He looked at me like I had grown three heads. "What the fuck?!?! How can you have AIDS if you're a virgin? Do you use drugs or some shit? That's really fucked up."
"I don't use drugs. And if don't have AIDS. I said I have HIV. I was born with it. I'm healthy though. We just need to use the condoms."
"Are you fucking crazy? You think just because I'm not on honor roll like you that I'm fucking stupid? You're 15. Nobody gets born with that shit anymore; they have meds. Either you're lying about being a virgin or you use drugs. Don't give me some blood transfusion shit either. I know that's a lie. I fucking watch the news."
"People are still born with it, Johnny." I blinked back tears. Why was he acting like this? "Who the fuck cares how I got it anyway? I take meds. I'm healthy. I'm still me. The same me I was five minutes ago. I spent MY money to buy this shit for you, not for me. Because I love you. I'm trying to look out for you. Look, if you don't want to use the condoms, fine. But I'm not going to do it with you unless we use them. So we can use them and have a good time, or I can get dressed and leave. It's your choice."
"Who the fuck are you threatening, bitch?" he yelled. "So you can fuck all these other guys without a condom, but now that one of them gave you AIDS I have to use a condom? My brother told me not to trust black bitches; they're nothing but some fucking hos. He was right. You're a liar and a ho. All these months I've been with you and you lied about everything. Lying bitch." His face contorted in anger as tears ran down his cheeks. His eyes were flashing. I'd never seen him like that before.
"I've been faithful to you all these months. All kinds of girls have been throwing themselves at me, but I turned every last one of them down. I haven't had any pussy since we've been together. I treated you like a lady, but you're nothing but a lying ho bitch."
"I'm not a liar, Johnny. That's really fucked up that you're acting like this. I've been faithful to you too. I'm the same girl you fell in love with. I've been taking meds all my life. I'm undetectable and you can't even tell I have HIV. If we fucked without a condom you probably wouldn't even get HIV from me because I have like almost none left in my blood and my body because of the meds. But I love you enough to want to be sure. That's why I even told you. I could have kept it to myself; I didn't have to tell you anything. You're fucking calling me all these names and shit and that's not cool. I know you're mad, but that's still not cool. I'm not calling YOU any fucking names and I easily could. I mean, you've been fucking girls since you were in 8th grade. You're 17 and you've already fucked 8 girls. I could be calling YOU a ho for that, but I'm not. Let's calm down. This conversation isn't going right." I was crying too. This was worse than ANYTHING I could have ever imagined.
"I know you're lying," he said. "This shit doesn't make any sense."
"I'm NOT fucking lying. Who would make up some shit like this? I didn't think you of all people would flip out, my own damn boyfriend. I'm NOT making it up. Ask anybody who went to elementary or middle school with me if I'm HIV+. Just ask. Almost the whole damn school knew. It's not a fucking secret. If we were in the same grade you'd have known too. Everybody fucking knows. And until today, nobody even fucking cared. It's like such a non-issue that it never even comes up."
"Yeah, right," he sneered.
"You're acting like a baby. Grow the hell up. Who the fuck cares if I have HIV or not? You're not the guy I thought you were. You're fucking ignorant and rude. No way am I giving my virginity to you, Johnny. I'll wait for a guy with a fucking brain. I'm breaking up with you. I don't love you anymore and don't want to deal with your stupid ass bullshit. I see what you're really about. Go get a fucking cheerleader or something. We're done."
"You're breaking up with ME?" He screamed. "Fuck you."
"No, fuck YOU!" I shouted back.
"Fine, if you insist, bitch. I will," he said. He grabbed the condoms out of my hands and ripped open the package. He rolled it on to his dick, which was for some reason still kind of hard after all the time we'd been arguing.
"What the fuck are you doing? I'm not fucking you after you talked to me like that, Johnny. You can kiss my ass."
"After all you put me through you're going to give me something for my trouble; fuck that," he said.
"You got me fucked up, Johnny. I'm not giving you shit. You had your chance, dumbass. You're never getting this pussy. I don't want to ever speak to you again. I'm going home."
"Whatever, bitch. You fucked all those other guys and you're going to fuck me. Right fucking now." He grabbed his dick and stroked it.
"Fuck that. And fuck you. I'm getting dressed and going home," I said, starting to stand. Johnny pushed me down and slapped me across my face.
The next was a blur. I stood up again and he slapped me across my breasts. Then he pushed me face down on the bed. I screamed, but no one was home to hear me. As usual, his parents were out. It was just us.
I started crying. "Please," I whimpered. "Let me go home." Johnny ignored me. With a savage thrust he pushed his whole dick inside my ass. I felt like it was tearing every part of my muscle. It hurt so badly. The only thing that hurt worse was my heart.
"This is how you AIDS bitches like it, right? In the ass? Fucking bitch," he sneered. He thrusted in and out, in and out. My ass was hurting and bleeding. I have a friend who's gay and he said that when he and his boyfriend fucked the first time they used some sticky stuff to make it easier and they went really slowly and gently because the first time you go anal you have to be careful. Johnny wasn't doing that. He was just pushing in and out, in and out. It hurt so badly. I screamed and screamed, but he kept going.
Then he pulled out. I was relieved, thinking about leaving. Then he started fumbling inside my vaginal lips with his fingers until he found my hole. He then rammed his dick - with the same dirty bloody condom that probably had my poop all over it - and started raping me in the front too. It hurt like hell. When I screamed even louder, he pushed my face deeper into the pillows to shut me up. He pushed his dick all the way inside my dry, tight pussy. I couldn't believe I was losing my virginity like this. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I was a good girl who made straight A's and loved dogs and was respectful to adults. I wasn't supposed to get hit. I wasn't supposed to get raped.
I lost track of time. It was probably short, but it felt like forever. Finally he started coming and then when he was done he pulled out. I turned my head and glanced over at him. He looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry," he said. "I guess you really were a virgin. Your shit was really tight."
I couldn't answer him. All I could do is cry. I couldn't move. I lay there and pressed my face back in the pillow, my body and my soul racking with pain as I cried and cried.
He apologized over and over. I barely heard him. I felt like a zombie as I stood up, limped to the restroom, and stepped into the shower. I turned the water on and scrubbed. I scrubbed and scrubbed, but I couldn't wash the dirty off. I cried in the shower, my tears mixing in with the shower water. I knew I'd never be the same again.
I'm in college now. I never told anyone about this until I started seeing the therapist on campus last year because I was having anxiety attacks. My parents still don't know.
I am trying to heal and move on from this. What Johnny did to me was wrong. No one should have to be hurt by others because they're a woman, or because they're HIV+. Violence against women living with HIV has got to end.