(Trigger/Content warning: This post contains references to abuse that readers may find to be triggering.)
Today is National Day of Action to End Violence Against Women with HIV. It is a day of action inviting people to join the call organized by the Positive Women's Network. The date was specifically chosen as part of October's Domestic Violence Awareness Month campaign. It's a call on anyone from anywhere to help raise awareness of these brutal acts of violence. The statistics are alarming and I wanted to do my part in spreading the message and hope that my readers will do the same however they can. I will be honest in saying that this is the first I'm hearing of it and I consider myself and do my best to be well-informed on the subject of violence against women. There is clearly so much more I need to learn and share.
Over 1/2 of women living with HIV have experienced intimate partner violence and of those abused women 92% of them are more likely to die than women who were not. Women living with HIV have been brutally murdered after revealing their positive status. In the past 2 years in Texas there have been two HIV-related murders which inspired this day of action by a group of women in the same state.
If you are interested in learning more and getting involved I have provided links for more information.
Positive Women's Network USA - Sign up for emails to learn more or donate to the cause.
Facebook/National Day of Action to End Violence Against Women with HIV - Post a message
Tweet using the hashtags - #SaveWomensLives #pwnspeaks #EndVAWHIV
I have also included a recent article on...
HIV, Intimate Partner Violence, and Women: New Opportunities Under the Affordable Care Act
This post was written by JoAnn Butaro, a survivor and blogger who blogs at JoAnn Speaks Out! Her post can also be found here.)
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Aki's Triumph
(Trigger/Content warning: This post contains references to abuse that readers may find to be triggering.)
I was just a teenager when my mother died. We both had AIDS, but I was stronger than she was. She was always sick even though she tried to fight. I was sick sometimes, but I was often well enough to attend school. But when my mother died, I could no longer attend school. I did not have money and no one wanted me to live with them because I had AIDS.
I decided to leave the village and move into town. I found a very nice family that let me work for them as a maid. The wife was a nurse and was educated about HIV/AIDS, so she was not worried about my status. The husband was a businessman and earned a good salary so they paid me well. The children were very sweet and I loved playing with them. There was a clinic only two hours away where I could get my HIV medication and did not have to travel for nearly a day like when my mother and I lived in the village. I missed my mother, but things were going very well and I was happy.
After I had worked there for about a year, one Sunday, my boss, the lady of the house decided to go to the market with the children. I stayed home to clean. Her husband was upstairs sleeping, so he did not go with them. She told me to be quiet so that I would not wake him.
I was quiet. But he still woke up.At around one p.m. he came out calling, asking me, "where are you?" I shouted, "I am here sir." He said, "I am hungry. Please make some food."
I prepared the food and brought it to him in the bedroom. I placed the food on the table and the next minute he was all over me.
When he finished, he said if I told anyone what happened he would fire me.
I was scared. I wanted to tell the wife, but what if she didn't believe me? I needed my job. I had no place to live and I had no family. I needed a way to pay for my medication. I had no choice but to eat the secret and remain quiet.
Unfortunately, now that it had started, it did not stop. He raped me many other times over the course of the next year - almost every time he and I were alone at home, which was often because the wife had to travel to her hometown several weekends a month to care for her elder brother who had become very ill.
I finally quit when I became pregnant by him. He wanted to force me to get abortion so that his wife would not know about us. I refused. I did not tell the wife what happened because she is a good woman and it would hurt her. I told her that I had found a boyfriend and wanted to leave my job to go be with him.
I have no family in this world except my daughter. She is beautiful. She does not have HIV.
I have had trouble finding work, but I will not give up hope. I will find a job, and I will send my daughter to school when she is older the way my mother sent me to school. And I will keep taking my medication so that I can live and she can finish school and have a better life.
I decided to leave the village and move into town. I found a very nice family that let me work for them as a maid. The wife was a nurse and was educated about HIV/AIDS, so she was not worried about my status. The husband was a businessman and earned a good salary so they paid me well. The children were very sweet and I loved playing with them. There was a clinic only two hours away where I could get my HIV medication and did not have to travel for nearly a day like when my mother and I lived in the village. I missed my mother, but things were going very well and I was happy.
After I had worked there for about a year, one Sunday, my boss, the lady of the house decided to go to the market with the children. I stayed home to clean. Her husband was upstairs sleeping, so he did not go with them. She told me to be quiet so that I would not wake him.
I was quiet. But he still woke up.At around one p.m. he came out calling, asking me, "where are you?" I shouted, "I am here sir." He said, "I am hungry. Please make some food."
I prepared the food and brought it to him in the bedroom. I placed the food on the table and the next minute he was all over me.
When he finished, he said if I told anyone what happened he would fire me.
I was scared. I wanted to tell the wife, but what if she didn't believe me? I needed my job. I had no place to live and I had no family. I needed a way to pay for my medication. I had no choice but to eat the secret and remain quiet.
Unfortunately, now that it had started, it did not stop. He raped me many other times over the course of the next year - almost every time he and I were alone at home, which was often because the wife had to travel to her hometown several weekends a month to care for her elder brother who had become very ill.
I finally quit when I became pregnant by him. He wanted to force me to get abortion so that his wife would not know about us. I refused. I did not tell the wife what happened because she is a good woman and it would hurt her. I told her that I had found a boyfriend and wanted to leave my job to go be with him.
I have no family in this world except my daughter. She is beautiful. She does not have HIV.
I have had trouble finding work, but I will not give up hope. I will find a job, and I will send my daughter to school when she is older the way my mother sent me to school. And I will keep taking my medication so that I can live and she can finish school and have a better life.
No Remorse
(Trigger/Content warning: This post contains references to abuse that readers may find to be triggering.)
the foot beat my ribs
the hand pulled my hair
no remorse, no remorse,
no remorse.
Don't show me tenderness
or compassion on the TV
or movies
it sugar coats reality
and it wasn't mine.
Wash the dishes
cook the food
get the welfare check.
Never mind the pain
I know I can get numb soon.
He took something from me,
something beautiful,
and gave me rotten decay in return
no remorse, no remorse
no remorse.
Broken
(Trigger/Content warning: This post contains references to abuse that readers may find to be triggering.)
your promises
to love, to honor, to cherish
to not hurt
to not hit
…again
to listen
Broken…
my jaw, my knee, my arm, my eardrum, my lip
my heart
Broken…
my trust in you
in others
in myself
Broken…
my dreams
our love
our future
Broken…
my self
my being
my spirit
my will to live
Broken…
by you
Stopping the Cycle
(Trigger/Content warning: this post discusses domestic violence.)
I have read a lot of statistics and personal testimonies about Domestic Violence situations. Most of us know the patterns. Most of us are familiar with the statistics. Oftentimes statistics are just numbers unless you or someone you know have become one and have lived that hell personally. Many of us have, including myself. While we can, and should, do our part as individuals and as groups, to lobby for protection, for awareness, and for support, we also need to realize that, as difficult as it may seem, each of us has been given free will.
While it may seem the most difficult thing to accept that we maintain some control of our destiny in most cases- especially after years of being told otherwise- it is ultimately the most empowering realization. I know it was for me. As a victim of the most extreme forms of physical and verbal domestic abuse for six years- having been beaten bloody and unconscious on a regular basis, having been raped and tortured almost daily- I came to a point where I knew that while I had the support of family and friends, it was ultimately me alone who would make the final decision to walk away from something that wasn't right and could no longer continue. That was probably the most difficult thing for me to do in my whole life.
I always believed that marriage is something you do not take lightly. I took the words "till death do us part" literally up to that point. My children- whom I loved and cherished more than anything in the world- were the product of this marriage. Up until I made this difficult decision, I thought it was my duty to God, and to my family to continue things as they were. Until I realized that "till death do us part" took on a whole new meaning. If I had stayed, this man would have killed me. Each beating escalated to the point that I was convinced this man will end my life at some point had I stayed.
Imagine how I felt the day I decided to walk away for my own safety and for the safety of my children. I didn't sneak out of the house. I waited for the father of my children to come home. I looked him in the face and told him I was leaving, and with escorts, I did so with my children and ran for three years in fear. Today, I have attained the financial stability to provide for my family after a long and hard road, that far exceeds the money my ex husband would not allow me to have in our marriage.
Today, I am engaged in a wonderful, healthy relationship that made me realize that I wasn't the problem all along as my ex husband told me every time I was beaten for offenses only unacceptable to him. I cannot promise you financial success after you leave a marriage, nor will I tell you that leaving a marriage or relationship is the right thing to do in a particular case. But I will tell you that the cycle of violence can end with you and with those whom you allow to help you should you find yourself trapped in an abusive relationship.
From the time I said "I do" I fell under the umbrella of statistics that show that a woman is battered every 15 seconds in this country. In the time it took you to read this, approximately 6 women were battered in one form or another by an intimate. What happens behind closed doors is not none of our business, because behind those closed doors could be your sister, your mother, your daughter, your friend..even you.
This is how I envision a stop in the cycle. I envision a candle that lights the way for others. I have a candle and perhaps others do as well. And that is a start, but imagine what happens when the flames of two or more candles join. They shine brighter and with greater strength but don't suffer in their individuality. So, I have a flame and maybe you or someone you know does also. What do you want to do with them? They could mean the difference between life and death for those who cannot yet make their voices heard.
By Rachel
I have read a lot of statistics and personal testimonies about Domestic Violence situations. Most of us know the patterns. Most of us are familiar with the statistics. Oftentimes statistics are just numbers unless you or someone you know have become one and have lived that hell personally. Many of us have, including myself. While we can, and should, do our part as individuals and as groups, to lobby for protection, for awareness, and for support, we also need to realize that, as difficult as it may seem, each of us has been given free will.
While it may seem the most difficult thing to accept that we maintain some control of our destiny in most cases- especially after years of being told otherwise- it is ultimately the most empowering realization. I know it was for me. As a victim of the most extreme forms of physical and verbal domestic abuse for six years- having been beaten bloody and unconscious on a regular basis, having been raped and tortured almost daily- I came to a point where I knew that while I had the support of family and friends, it was ultimately me alone who would make the final decision to walk away from something that wasn't right and could no longer continue. That was probably the most difficult thing for me to do in my whole life.
I always believed that marriage is something you do not take lightly. I took the words "till death do us part" literally up to that point. My children- whom I loved and cherished more than anything in the world- were the product of this marriage. Up until I made this difficult decision, I thought it was my duty to God, and to my family to continue things as they were. Until I realized that "till death do us part" took on a whole new meaning. If I had stayed, this man would have killed me. Each beating escalated to the point that I was convinced this man will end my life at some point had I stayed.
Imagine how I felt the day I decided to walk away for my own safety and for the safety of my children. I didn't sneak out of the house. I waited for the father of my children to come home. I looked him in the face and told him I was leaving, and with escorts, I did so with my children and ran for three years in fear. Today, I have attained the financial stability to provide for my family after a long and hard road, that far exceeds the money my ex husband would not allow me to have in our marriage.
Today, I am engaged in a wonderful, healthy relationship that made me realize that I wasn't the problem all along as my ex husband told me every time I was beaten for offenses only unacceptable to him. I cannot promise you financial success after you leave a marriage, nor will I tell you that leaving a marriage or relationship is the right thing to do in a particular case. But I will tell you that the cycle of violence can end with you and with those whom you allow to help you should you find yourself trapped in an abusive relationship.
From the time I said "I do" I fell under the umbrella of statistics that show that a woman is battered every 15 seconds in this country. In the time it took you to read this, approximately 6 women were battered in one form or another by an intimate. What happens behind closed doors is not none of our business, because behind those closed doors could be your sister, your mother, your daughter, your friend..even you.
This is how I envision a stop in the cycle. I envision a candle that lights the way for others. I have a candle and perhaps others do as well. And that is a start, but imagine what happens when the flames of two or more candles join. They shine brighter and with greater strength but don't suffer in their individuality. So, I have a flame and maybe you or someone you know does also. What do you want to do with them? They could mean the difference between life and death for those who cannot yet make their voices heard.
By Rachel
I, the Butterfly
(Trigger/Content warning: This post contains references to abuse that readers may find to be triggering.)
Long ago,
A woman in love existed
free, and softly
I, the butterfly
with golden wings
flew into the trap of your open arms,
attracted and enraptured by your spell.
With seductive mystery
you spun the cocoon,
enveloping me within your love,
lulling me to complacency
with your sweetly disguised whispers
till I regressed to the poise of a caterpillar
with nonexistent grace,
lethargically inching along
going nowhere
but to hide in the leaves....
And deep within my heart, I yearn
to fly free again
alone and unhindered
high in the sky,
touching the clouds
exploring my world
rediscovering myself in the
metamorphosis of growth.
I, the butterfly
a creature of beauty
and capable of flight, I
break through the smothering cocoon
and take to my wings
to fly among those free in heart.
By Christine
Long ago,
A woman in love existed
free, and softly
I, the butterfly
with golden wings
flew into the trap of your open arms,
attracted and enraptured by your spell.
With seductive mystery
you spun the cocoon,
enveloping me within your love,
lulling me to complacency
with your sweetly disguised whispers
till I regressed to the poise of a caterpillar
with nonexistent grace,
lethargically inching along
going nowhere
but to hide in the leaves....
And deep within my heart, I yearn
to fly free again
alone and unhindered
high in the sky,
touching the clouds
exploring my world
rediscovering myself in the
metamorphosis of growth.
I, the butterfly
a creature of beauty
and capable of flight, I
break through the smothering cocoon
and take to my wings
to fly among those free in heart.
By Christine
Exercise CAUTION when reading triggering material
Dear readers,
Some of the material in this flash blog is graphic. It might be emotionally difficult to read, especially if you are a survivor of violence. Although we wish to promote awareness, we are equally if not more concerned with your safety and well-being! Please prioritize self-care and exercise caution when reading these posts - and feel free to skip ANY and/or all if you feel they might be traumatizing to read. Please see the following information from the University of Alberta Sexual Assault Center on Triggers, from the Psych Central website:
A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.
Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. The survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that she/he thinks triggered the flashback. She/he will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.
The senses identified as being the most common to trigger someone are sight and sound, followed by touch and smell, and taste close behind. A combination of the senses is identified as well, especially in situations that strongly resemble the original trauma. Although triggers are varied and diverse, there are often common themes.
Sight
Sound
Smell
Touch
Taste
Some of the material in this flash blog is graphic. It might be emotionally difficult to read, especially if you are a survivor of violence. Although we wish to promote awareness, we are equally if not more concerned with your safety and well-being! Please prioritize self-care and exercise caution when reading these posts - and feel free to skip ANY and/or all if you feel they might be traumatizing to read. Please see the following information from the University of Alberta Sexual Assault Center on Triggers, from the Psych Central website:
A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.
Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. The survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that she/he thinks triggered the flashback. She/he will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.
The senses identified as being the most common to trigger someone are sight and sound, followed by touch and smell, and taste close behind. A combination of the senses is identified as well, especially in situations that strongly resemble the original trauma. Although triggers are varied and diverse, there are often common themes.
Sight
- Often someone who resembles the abuser or who has similar traits or objects (ie. clothing, hair color, distinctive walk).
- Any situation where someone else is being abused (ie. anything from a raised eyebrow and verbal comment to actual physical abuse).
- The object that was used to abuse
- The objects that are associated with or were common in the household where the abuse took place (ie. alcohol, piece of furniture, time of year).
- Any place or situation where the abuse took place (ie. specific locations in a house, holidays, family events, social settings).
Sound
- Anything that sounds like anger (ie. raised voices, arguments, bangs and thumps, something breaking).
- Anything that sounds like pain or fear (ie. crying, whispering, screaming).
- Anything that might have been in the place or situation prior to, during, or after the abuse or reminds her/him of the abuse (ie. sirens, foghorns, music, cricket, chirping, car door closing).
- Anything that resembles sounds that the abuser made (ie. whistling, footsteps, pop of can opening, tone of voice).
- Words of abuse (ie. cursing, labels, put-downs, specific words used).
Smell
- Anything that resembles the smell of the abuser (ie. tobacco, alcohol, drugs, after shave, perfume).
- Any smells that resemble the place or situation where the abuse occurred (ie. food cooking ,wood, odors, alcohol).
Touch
- Anything that resembles the abuse or things that occurred prior to or after the abuse (ie. certain physical touch, someone standing too close, petting an animal, the way someone approaches you).
Taste
- Anything that is related to the abuse, prior to the abuse or after the abuse (ie. certain foods, alcohol, tobacco).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)